6 Months & Where I’ve Been

Hey guys!  I hope all of you are doing well and loving spring as much as I am.  I am so glad to be out of the snowy, frigid cold weather!  Spring is my favorite season because I love the rain.  I could live in Seattle full time and be completely content.  The more overcast and rainy, the better in my opinion.  Besides the amazing weather, life has been pretty good.  It’s had some ups and downs recently, but for the most part things are going well.  I have so much to catch up on and I can’t wait to share it with you all!

As I write this I am working my CNA job at Beehive Homes.  I have been here for 2 1/2 years, but took a 3 month break while I got settled into nannying Mae and could get a good idea of what I would be making there.  I decided in January to come back and work a few grave shifts a week, mainly for a little extra money, but also to keep myself busy so I’m not alone in my thoughts for too long.   I am so glad that I decided to come back.  I absolutely love it here, and I find so much joy in taking care of my sweet residents.  They have truly become like family to me.  As much as I love it, I rarely have time to do anything but sleep and try to find a little time to exercise, which is part of the reason I haven’t blogged for so long! It’s been good for me though because I have been able to save money and pay some things off.  I’m also going to be able to move into my own place soon which I am so excited about. I am looking for an apartment in Sandy or Draper and hope to be in by the end of May.  I can’t wait to have a place for just Annie and I and to be able to be on my own again.

Anyway, enough about work, lets get to the important stuff.  First things first, today I am 186 days alcohol-free, so just over 6 months. Out of everything I am going to tell you in this blog, that is by far the best news.  I am so so SO grateful I decided to kick alcohol to the curb and get myself back again.  I can see more and more of myself every single day.  As i’ve mentioned in previous posts, staying sober has given me so many blessings and miracles that I would have never been able to receive if I was still drinking.  Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about the friendships I have made the last 6 months and the people that have come into my life that I never would have expected.  There are days where I have wondered how I ever lived without these people and the friendship we now have.  One of these friendships that I want to mention is with Christi.  I’d be lying if I said she hasn’t been a huge reason why I have been able to stay sober some days.  The bizarre thing about our friendship though is we were both married to the same person at different times.  Because of this, we were not able to be friends until recently, but I have realized that it was always supposed to be that way, and I met her at the exact moment I was supposed to.  I believe it is no coincidence she decided to reach out to me last November after I posted my first blog, and I thank my lucky stars every day that she had the courage to do so. I feel like I won the lottery with her friendship, and it has amazed me how alike we are in so many ways.  It almost feels like I have been her friend for many years and we are just reconnecting again.  Christi if you are reading this, thank you for everything you have done for me.  Thank you for all the advice you have given me, and for validating so many feelings that needed validation.  I can not wait to run some races with you, and for you to run your first half marathon with me in August!  You are stuck with me for life sister so you better be ready.

Of course with all the good things in my life, there have also been some really hard days lately and moments that I never want to re-live.  I have always prided myself in being open and honest about my struggles, which is why what I am about to tell you is so hard for me.  For the past 3 1/2 years I have been holding onto something that I never thought would come out.  To be honest, I thought I would die holding on to this secret because up until this point I didn’t believe there was anyone out there who I felt safe enough to tell.  I can’t begin to tell you how many nights over the years I have laid awake in bed hoping I would come across that person, but I always knew it probably wound’t happen.  I always knew my mom could be that person, she’s always been there for me, but I also knew how much it would worry her and I couldn’t put anything else on her than I already have.  It wasn’t until February that an incident happened which made it impossible to hold onto any longer.  I had no choice but to tell someone, and I knew that if I didn’t I probably wouldn’t ever get the chance again.  This all led to me sending my mom a text on her way home from St. George letting her know that we needed to talk.  That was the hardest text I have ever sent, and for the next 30 minutes before she pulled in the driveway I don’t think I have ever prayed so hard in my life.  I wanted so much for her to understand and respond in a way that would make me feel safe and loved and that I wasn’t alone.  When she got home and came downstairs into my room, I instantly felt peace when I saw her, and I knew that everything was going to be ok.  The way she responded was nothing short of unconditional love, and she made me feel like we were in this fight together now and I didn’t have to do this alone.  Through this experience it has become so clear to me that my mom was supposed to be mine for a reason.  She is so perfect in every single way, and how she has loved me through my addiction, relapse, heartbreak, and all the hard times in between has been exactly the way I have needed.  She always has the right words to say, and always makes me feel like no matter what I have done, I am still the most special girl in the world.  I’m not going to lie and say it’s been easy to get up and face every single day since that night, but it sure has been easier with her by my side cheering me on.  I haven’t found the right words to express how grateful I am for her, and how she makes the worst days a little easier just by being my mom.  I can’t believe how lucky I am to have her in my life, and I can only hope to be like her one day.  One good thing that has come of all this is I haven’t taken one single day for granted.  Every morning that I wake up I consider a gift and I try my best to make the most of it.  My sobriety also means a little bit more than it did a couple months ago, and instead of looking into the future with uncertainty, I feel certain of what I am supposed to do with my life.  Looking ahead 10 years I can vividly see myself crossing the finish line at the Boston Marathon, and after I cross that finish line I am going to write a book on how I was able to get there.  I will write about addiction, recovery, heartbreak, loss, and all the amazing moments in between.  I hope that by doing this I will be able save other peoples lives and give them a reason to believe they can conquer whatever it is that is holding them back.  We are truly all in this together and it is never too late to start again.

Anyway, thanks for hanging in there with me and following my journey.  I am overwhelmed with all the love and support that I have been given, and I appreciate every single one of you!!!  Have a Happy Monday friends.  Back to work.

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